Boundaries Are For Me | Friendology | Pastor Derick Amsler

Grab your seat, grab your Bible. We've got some work to do today. We are in our series called Friendology. Everybody say friendology. And we're looking at what the Bible says are the benefits and the blessings that come through friendship.

How to make them, how to keep them, what is the purpose for them. And I just wanted you to know from the get go, today is gonna be one of those family talk kind of conversations. It's family vibes. It's family vibes. Tell the person next to you, what's up, bro?

Come on, what's up? What's up?

And this message, I want it to be more of a conversation than it is me preaching a sermon. It's more of a what I would call a coffee conversation. If you were struggling with something and we were out at the Daily Grind or Starbucks or something of that nature, or maybe you were just sit. Sitting across the seat, my desk. Have a family conversation.

If you were here last week, we had talked about the power of not giving up on people. Believe that God is working in their life. Believe that little is much when God is in it. Believe that God can answer prayers. Believe that nobody is too far gone from the grace and the mercy and the forgiveness and the transforming power of the Holy Spirit.

We are all product of a God who hasn't given up on us. Come on. Can anybody else say I'm a product? That somebody didn't stop praying for me? What I want to do this weekend is flip the coin and talk about the other side of that coin.

What do you do when you sincerely love somebody but still are frustrated with their inability or unwillingness? Change? Let's talk about it. How many of you locked your door last night? Locked your door last night of your house?

How many of you locked it this morning or made sure the garage door was down on your way out to church this morning? Come on. Anybody? Anybody? Did you notice on your way to church this morning there were painted lines on the road?

Nobody was offended. Nobody is mad about that. If you went to a restaurant, maybe there was a counter between you and your barista this morning because there's people back there. You're not back there. You had to stay on this side of the registered, but you can clearly see there's people on that side of the register.

You ain't mad about it. Fences, you ain't mad. Railings, you ain't mad. Signs, you're not mad. Nobody's offended by boundaries until somebody puts them inside a relationship.

What do we do as Christians with boundaries when I can no longer allow open access to you in this relationship into my heart, into my soul. Because somewhere along the way, we've confused love with access. That in order for me to prove that I love you, I must grant full access to you into every part of my life, mind, emotions, soul. Somewhere between love and access, we've confused love, care, and concern with access, trust, and acceptance. So this message about boundaries, here's what I've done.

I've taken every question that's ever been asked me about healthy biblical boundaries, and I and I just want to have a conversation.

I've been asked before, do boundaries make me an unforgiving Christian? That's a great question, and I would ask a question back. Or does it make you wise? Here's a question. If they apologize and I feel like they mean it, do I need to remove the boundary?

Does time remove a boundary? How do you know whether I'm laying down a biblical boundary for needed space? And how do I know when this space is just out of retaliation? So many more questions we'll get into as we go, but let's root everything in scripture. When we come to first Samuel, there's a guy by the name of David.

He's gonna figure out what to do with boundaries, who they are for what they are and what they are not, while somebody is throwing a spear at his head. If you remember, King Saul is the king over Israel. David is working in palace. He is not just the famed giant slayer. At this particular time, he's a general in the ranks of the Israel army.

To multiply the complexity of the relationship, he is. David is now married to King Saul's daughter, which makes Saul David's father in law. So he. So Saul is his king, it's his boss, and it's his father in law. Which makes makes boundaries difficult when you actually care about the person.

Right? Like, boundaries are not difficult when you could care less about the other individual. I don't care. Boundaries are not difficult when you are planning. When you were never planning on going on vacation with them or hanging out with them or having them see your kids or introducing them to your sibling.

Boundaries, boundaries are difficult when you actually genuinely loving, lovingly care for someone. Saul means something to David professionally and personally. When we come to this particular chapter, the Bible says that Saul is being tormented by a spirit. And so obviously back then they didn't have electronics and Spotify and Alexa. So if you wanted to listen to music to kind of like chill your emotions, you would have to actually call for a musician.

David is a Skilled musician. So he's a skilled warrior, leader and musician. He's a triple threat. But David, by this point, has developed a pattern of using whatever he can, using what is in his hand to relieve the anxiety in Saul. He's developed a pattern of using whatever he has at his disposal to alleviate the pressure Saul's facing.

But on this particular day, while David is playing his harp, Saul is holding a spear. 1st Samuel 18, verse 11. He being Saul, hurled it at David, saying to himself, I'll pin David to the wall. But David eluded him twice. So David didn't dodge one spear, he dodged two.

And yet David kept on serving. He kept on bringing a harp. Saul's throwing spears. David's playing music. Saul's throwing spears.

David's playing a harp. Saul's trying to kill the man. The man is trying to alleviate the pressure that Saul was feeling. And some of you know this pain internally, don't you? Because somebody doesn't just throw a spear physically, they throw spears emotionally.

And some of you, you have a really good heart, and your heart is like a harp. And you think, if I could just play the harp better, it would fix something broken in them. If I could just play the music better. If I could figure out what song would just cause them to kind of like wind down and not be so int. Could play the music better.

If I could figure out their right love language. If I could just figure out how to love them better, and if I could just be better and if I could just be a bigger person and if I could just let this go and if I could just forget about it, if I could be a better harpist, maybe they'll put down their sword. But some people are in love with the spear in their hand more than they love the person trying to alleviate their grief.

Sometimes we exhaust ourself trying to fix what is broken in them, and they continue to break it because they have no desire to change.

The spear isn't always physical. Sometimes it's emotional. Sometimes the spear is just constant negativity, criticism, a barrage of complaining, complaining, complaining, complaining. It's just a spear always thrown at you. Sometimes a spear is manipulation, guilt trips.

Sometimes. Can we talk practically? It's just me and you at the coffee shop, right? It's just me and you. It's just me and you.

Sometimes. Sometimes a spear is a parent who calls you every day for 45 minutes to unload all of their anxiety into your cup to complain about everything that's wrong in the family, and they hang up. But now you Feel responsible to be the family counselor and fix problems that you did not create or not your responsibility to fix in the first place. Just look up here, Eyes up here. Eyes up here.

Don't look at anybody. Sometimes. Sometimes a spear is a person who will turn every honest disagreement into an accusation of disrespect. Why you disrespecting me? I wasn't.

I wasn't. I thought that we were just sharing our opinions or we were trying to figure out a solution. But they will use. They will use the moment and an avoidance of responsibility to accuse you of disrespect or. Or an inability to communicate.

And now everything is your fault. You're trying to be the peacemaker. You're trying to play the harp. They keep chucking spears. He hurled it, saying to himself, I'll pin David to the wall.

But David eluded him twice.

The problem sometimes is not the harp. Sometimes the problem is the harp of the one holding the spear. And I'm just wondering how. How much of our life have we exhausted trying to figure out what we can do different or do better when, if we're honest at this point in time, we both know there's nothing more you can do. A few chapters later, while David was playing his harp, Saul throws yet another spear at him.

But this time, David doesn't duck. David runs. Write this down. Setting boundaries is not a failure to forgive, and it's not a sign of lesser love.

Eventually, Saul gathers 3,000 men to go find David. Saul throws a spear. David runs. Saul sends 3000 men. 3000.

Not three buddies sitting around a coffee shop. 3000 people. That's a lot of people. Saul gets 3000 people to go find David, who is running from the man chucking spears at his head. Which tells us this is not a moment of emotional aggression.

This is intentional. You know what this isn't. This isn't a healthy person having an unhealthy moment. Because even healthy people can have unhealthy moments. We have to understand that this is a person who's now is displaying a pattern of unhealth.

He gets 3,000 people to take chase after David. And the Bible says that something happened that changed the entire power dynamic. The Bible says that Saul unknowingly walks into a cave in which David is already hiding. Matter of fact, the Bible's more specific than I just was. It says that on their journey to find him, Saul went into the cave to use it as a restroom.

So for your biblical imagination, Saul goes into BUC EE's. All right. And they're in the back of that long line of bathrooms. David's already back there hiding from Saul. Now watch what happens.

The Bible says that David's buddies, David's friends, David's connect group, David's family, David's road dogs found David, and they come up to him, and here's what he says. Verse 20, verse 4. This is the day the Lord spoke of when he said to you, I will give your enemy into your hands for you to deal with as you wish. Now, that sounds amazing. Until we read the entire context.

And we don't have any recorded moment where God told David, hey, I'm gonna put Saul in your hand, and you can just deal with him however you wish. It never happens. So watch this. Sometimes people will use biblical language to make you less Christlike. Sometimes people will use biblical vocabulary to guilt you as a tool for manipulation to get you to do what they want you to do.

You want to hear what it sounds like if you were a real Christian. Oh, I didn't think Christians were supposed to act like that. If you were a real Christian, why can't you just forgive and forget? Oh, I thought. I thought real Christians would turn the other cheek.

Yeah, well, turn the other cheek is a sign of mercy that I'm not retaliating. It doesn't negate the fact that when I turn the cheek, I still remember what you did to this cheek. Hey, hey, hey, hey. The Bible says honor your father and mother. That's true.

The Bible does say that. But it doesn't mean that I get to participate in unhealth. We can show respect and honor to authority without participating in unhealthy behavior. Well, the Bible says love keeps no record of wrong. No, the context for that is love doesn't keep record of wrong for revenge sake.

But wisdom doesn't ignore unhealthy patterns either. If you really forgive me, then why can't we just go back to the way things were, sweep it under the rug? See, the problem isn't scripture. It's using scripture as a tool to leverage to get a response that I want out of you. I want to throw spears, but you keep bringing harps, they come to David.

Let's kill him. This is a sign from God. David refuses to kill Saul. The Bible says, though he crept closer in order to cut a corner of Saul's robe. He's looking for proof I'm not the bad guy.

See, I could have chopped your head off, but I didn't. I just took a corner of your robe already. We have a Problem. Because now David is trying to use something factual to address something emotional. You cannot reason with facts, somebody who's married to their own emotions, because when you're married to your emotions, you see the world through feelings and not facts to begin with.

Have you ever tried to cognitively reason and let somebody know factually what they're doing is wrong and they can't hear you? It's because they can't hear you. They can only hear you in their heart.

This sermon is so good. It is so good.

But watch what happens. David cuts the corner of his robe off, which I'm thinking, that's no big deal after all, this man is chucking spears at your head. He's rallied up 3,000 men to come and decapitate you. But watch what happens. Very next verse.

After he did that, David was conscious, stricken. This. This internal. I can't believe I just did that. I cannot believe I just did that.

For having cut a corner of his robe. He didn't kill him. He didn't attack him. He didn't stab him. He didn't cut him.

He just cut a corner of his robe. And that action checked him. So watch this. David isn't only paying attention to Saul's behavior. David is paying attention to what Saul's behavior is.

Is producing in him.

This is a slippery slope. If I start giving myself passes to retaliate and defend myself and lash out, then something in Saul's spirit gets in David's spirit. Write this down. Boundaries are not just about separation. Boundaries are about formation.

What is forming on the inside of me? What is this relationship producing in me? Boundaries don't just keep people out. Boundaries make sure that some things don't get in. So boundaries address behavior of what somebody else is doing because it impacts a standard or a value that you have in your house, in your heart, in your home.

Like a while back, I had somebody in the church who would call my kids names, and not like nicknames, pet names, but just trying to be funny, trying to connect. And they'd be like, what's up, ugly face? And what's up? And I was like, that's a little too far. And so I pulled him over to his side.

Hey, man, I know you're just trying to joke, you know, and, like, you know, like, befriend my kids and stuff. But in my house, we take name calling serious, you know, like, we don't do that. Like. Like, not even for jokes. Not even.

Even for jokes. Playing around. He said, oh, man, I'm just kind of playing I said, oh, man, I know you are, but help me out. You know, it's just kind of like a boundary that we have in our house. Maybe don't call my daughter ugly.

Maybe just call her by her name.

Mind blown. And boundaries. Boundaries can't force anybody to do something. But boundaries are. Are a moment of clarity, of what I won't do.

These are lines that I don't cross, and these are things that I will not participate in. Because there are some things that I've noticed about our conversations and about our relationships that every time certain lines are crossed, every time we're together, something in you gets in me, and what I want to become begins to erode. Something is forming on the inside of me, and all of it doesn't depend on you. But if I'm honest, you are a part of it. Now, you don't necessarily have to say that, but it is an awareness.

What is for me. Boundaries don't just keep people out. It lets some things never get in. Now watch this.

David walks out of the cave. He confronts Saul. But the Bible says from a distance, so they don't go, hug it out, bro it out. David is on this side of the mountain. Saul's on this side of the mountain.

So there's a boundary. There's a distance in between, but they're still going to have a conversation. Because boundaries don't avoid difficult conversations either. Otherwise, you never give the other person an opportunity to repent and mature and change. You're just.

You're just. You're just throwing everybody else out. A healthy boundary. A healthy boundary Is. Is.

Is. Is going to tell the truth. Chapter 24, verse 11. Verse 11. Here's the conversation David has with Saul.

I've not wronged you, but you're hunting me down to take my life. May the Lord judge between you and me. But I've got boundaries. I've got standards, too. I've got.

My hand will not touch you. See, there's a difference between a healthy boundary and boundaries that are set up for revenge. There's a difference between. A boundary is going to protect what God is forming in me, and I just want to lash out against you and make you pay. There's a difference.

Write this down. A healthy boundary protects your health. Revenge uses distance as punishment.

Very next verse, Saul responds to David, and here's what he says. Is that your voice, David? My son, my boy, is that you? And he wept aloud, which would have been highly scandalous for a man to cry in public, especially a man with this much Authority. But he wept aloud in front of everybody.

You are more righteous than I. You have treated me well. But I have treated you badly. Can we just give it up for Saul? That's a good apology right there.

That's a good apology. Way to go, King. And that's what makes boundaries difficult. Because it would be different if they were just a jerk all the time. If they were just always evil.

It would make boundaries so much easier. Bro. You always nasty. We got to see other people.

He calls him my son, man. We're family. He weeps out loud. Now watch this. Things just got really complicated, didn't they?

Because the spear told David to run boundaries. But the tears make him wonder if he should pick up the boundary. And this is what makes guilt so powerful. Because we're people with a good harp. We're people with a good heart.

They did apologize. And they're under a lot of stress. They're under a lot of pressure right now. And I'm not perfect either. You know, I could have done some things different.

I'm not perfect. And you know, God has forgiven me. I want to forgive other people. And you know what? I just need to be the bigger person.

And after all, they are family.

Now watch this. Guilt told you to pick up what Wisdom told you to lay down.

And now we've allowed pressure and guilt to lower our quotient of like wisdom and discernment. Now boundaries can move. We have to be a people of grace and mercy. Nobody's perfect. But repentance requires a new direction.

Otherwise, repentance was just sincerity in the moment. Repentance is more than lip service. True repentance requires a tangible change in direction. I don't want to just be a person who just keeps saying, oops, sorry, oops, sorry, and never changes. I want to be a person who says, I shouldn't have thrown the spear.

I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. I can't promise perfection, but I will guarantee a progression, a new direction for the benefit of our relationship. Otherwise, we'll allow guilt and pressure to pick up a boundary. Wisdom told us to lay.

There's a notice. This the very next verse. The Bible says that then Saul returned home after his apology. But David and his men didn't go home to the palace. They went to the safe place, what they called the stronghold.

They went in two different directions. So David showed Saul mercy by not retaliating. But mercy did not require David to restore immediate access to Saul. There's a road to repair. There's a road to redemption.

Put it up on the screen. Forgiveness is what I give because God has forgiven me and I want my heart clean. Forgiveness is what I give. Trust is what you build. Access is what I decide.

But I don't use access as punishment and make you grovel for it. Access is what I decide based upon when healthy patterns are established.

I want you to notice something about that tape. That tape, that boundary was never gonna keep King Saul out. You know why? Because that was painter's tape. That's why.

That's why. And your verbal boundaries are painter's tape. Wishing to paint a new canvas of what could be. But it's just tape. Your words don't force anybody to do what you want them to do.

The boundary was for the preservation of the formation of your own heart and soul. So I grant access. When I feel like my soul can be at peace and no longer overly guarded because of unhealth in a relationship. I give forgiveness. God has forgiven me.

Trust is what we can build. Access. When there's a change in behavior, I can let you in. Which brings up a good point about boundaries. You'll notice David had the conversation and then David just went and did his thing.

David never creates a boundary in a overly theatrical manner. Which tells me boundaries don't always have to be dramatic. I call it the Lord of the Rings effect, where you don't have to go up to somebody. You shall not pass boundary. You don't need to do all that.

Sometimes a boundary is not dramatic. Sometimes a boundary is simply an adjustment. Write this down. Boundaries are not walls. They're adjustments.

So sometimes the adjustment is frequency. Man. If you've got somebody who's calling you and soul dumping on you for therapeutic reasons, trauma bonding, it's not helpful. You're just an emotional trash can for all their garbage. Maybe you can't set up a boundary that will never talk again.

But maybe the needed boundary for a while is just we change the frequency and how much we talk. Follow me. Maybe we just change the subject. There's just some things that we choose not to talk about. Maybe we change the environment.

There are some people that you can love better at dinner than you can when they're over at your house. I've got somebody that I want to be in relationship with. But because of their constant complaining and negativity and overly critical spirit, I've noticed every time I'm around them for more than X amount of time, that kind of stuff gets into me and it pulls me back into my default setting. So you know what I do now. I just.

Man, I want to hang out with you. Let's go to the movies. You know why? Because we don't have to talk at the movies, but we still feel like we got to hang out together. And it just hit me that if I ever invited you to the movie, I was talking about somebody else.

It was somebody else. It wasn't you. Some. Someone else.

Sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes it's a change of subject, frequency, or environment. But. But listen, a bad day doesn't necessitate a boundary.

We give people grace for bad days. Again, we're looking at ongoing patterns that. That. That facilitate an erosion of my formation, not the building up and preservation of my soul. The question then is because anybody who's close enough to you to love you is going to disappoint you.

We got to be honest about that fact. Okay, so the question isn't, did they hurt me? The question is, what did they do when you exposed the hurt to them? We all throw spears accidentally or we get caught up in a moment and we throw spears. The difference is, can we talk about the spear without me throwing it?

Again, the question isn't, did they hurt me? It's what happens when we address the pattern of hurt. Repentance doesn't mean perfection. It means a new direction. Let's talk about something that we rarely talk about, because right now everybody's thinking about somebody.

And the last thing I want to do is be a manipulator in your life and say, well, let's talk about you, but let's talk about us. How did Saul become Saul to begin with? Because Saul wasn't born with a spear and David wasn't born with a harp. So what kept David from becoming like Saul? Well, we go back to the cave.

The Bible says that David cut off the corner of Saul's robe, and immediately verse five. David was conscious, stricken. He felt bad for what he did, which tells me that David can still be corrected. This is the difference. A couple chapters earlier, a prophet comes to Samuel or Samuel.

The prophet came to King Saul to address some disobedience and some behavioral issues in him. And the Bible says immediately he started lashing out with blame shifting. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's the people.

It's the people. It's them, and it's them. And this is why. And this is why. And this is what they're doing.

Watch this. David cuts a robe and examines himself. Saul throws a spear and explains himself. That's a dangerous place to be when you always have a reason, you always have an excuse. You always know it's somebody else's fault.

An inability to accept personal responsibility will cause you to see every boundary as a personal attack or every boundary as an excuse to avoid accountability. Therefore you limit your own formation. A boundary keeps you safe. A boundary is not a shield from correction and accountability.

Solomon, the wisest man who's ever lived, said in Proverbs 4, above all else, he's talking about a lot of great things in life. He's talking about how to handle yourself and be disciplined and get in alignment with the things of God. Above all those things, guard your heart, he says, for everything you do will flow from the condition or the well being your heart. That's why the goal of boundaries is not health. The goal or it's not distance.

The goal of boundaries is health. It's not separation, it's formation. And I know, I know when we hear a message like this, our default action is no, no, no, no, no. Shouldn't we just be like Jesus? Shouldn't we be like Jesus, who's the perfect embodiment of, of, of unmatched, uncontainable love and mercy and forgiveness and kindness?

Absolutely. Absolutely we should. So let's look at the life of Jesus. We read about it through Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. And in those four gospels account we see Jesus letting people walk away or Jesus walking away 41 times.

That doesn't mean that he stopped loving them and it doesn't mean that he didn't die on the cross for them. What it means was he did not entrust himself to everyone. I want some Bible for that. I'm so glad you do. John, chapter two.

Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people. So perfect love does not mean unlimited access to everyone. You know what I want to be? I want to be the kind of person who has the wisdom to know when to create needed space without the space turning into hate. I still want to be the person who's able to be like Jesus.

If you choose not to honor the boundary because of the standards and values in my life, I don't want you to. But I'll let you do what you need to do. And I want to be the kind of person who lays out boundaries for the salvation and preservation and formation of my own soul and not be shy about it either. But in all things, be like Jesus. Father, forgive them.

Father, forgive them. If boundaries lead to hate, you're doing boundaries wrong. Boundaries are an act of loving care for the other individual, but also for yourself.

So to recap, to make sure we're all hearing the same thing, I'll put it on the board one more time. Healthy boundaries respond to patterns and not moments. They create clarity, not punishment. They can change when patterns change. We let wisdom and the Holy Spirit lead us when to establish them, when to remove them, not guilt and pressure.

And we pursue health, not distance. And let me just encourage you, if you're unsure where you are because things have gotten so diluted and polluted in your mind, that's why the Bible says that wise counsel can make victory sure. That's why God's given us a church family and it's part of the roles of the pastors of the church. And that's why you want to be in a connect group with somebody who's further along in their spiritual journey than you to help you process things like this. We don't let it shift towards gossip, but we ask biblical question.

What is forming or eroding in me? And what is the best next step for me to take in all things? I want to give you a prayer to pray this week as you kind of think these things through. Are you ready? Maybe you want to take a photo of it.

Holy Spirit, show me where I need to open my heart, where I need to guard my heart, and where I've allowed my heart to become hard. Make me more like Jesus. Amen. The word Amen means let it be. So if I need to establish a boundary that I feel led by the Holy Spirit to create, let it be and let me live in confidence.

If they choose to walk away because of the boundary, let it be.

But for a season. I've got to guard my heart.

Now let me just address the elephant that's in my heart. You probably haven't heard it. It's just in me. So I'd rather just get it out of me. My fear is that if you're already looking to get out of a marriage, you're going to hear everything I said as the tool or the language to pull that trigger up.

He's given me a pass. I'm out. That's not what I'm saying. If you're in that place, let's seek help. That's why God has given us wise counsel and counselors and pastors to speak through some things that the Bible says.

My other concern is that if you're in abusive relationship, you'll hear something that's not being said. If you're being harmed, you get out, you get help, you get safety. Love. Staying in a relationship that is abusive is not an act of love. And getting out of an abusive relationship is not a failure to love well.

Protect your heart, protect your life, and that's for you and your kids or somebody you know, right? And this message is just weird for me, if I'm honest. We're talking about boundaries. We're talking about boundaries. Needed boundary.

Who talks like this? I don't know.

Holy spirit, Would you do what is impossible for me to do on my own and push through some of the fog and let your truth stand like a monument of safety and healing? May your truth prevail. Give us wisdom to untangle some of the knots. Bring clarity through the noise.

Help us to know how to love well but also live well. Help us to know what is hardening our heart and what is for the salvation and the preservation for my soul's formation. We don't want to retaliate and at the same time we don't want to stall either.

And God, we also recognize that you are a miracle working God who can reconcile even the most crazy of relationships. So would you heal where there needs to be healing, renew and restore where there needs to be that testimony. But in the meantime, give us wisdom of mind and know how to act.

Thank you that we are not left in this season alone. But you said in your word that your Holy Spirit will be our guide and our guard. You are not far from anyone. You're out in front of us, so you know where we need to go. But you're close enough that you can hold our hand.

So in all things, let us feel the very presence of God in everything that we need to say and do in this hour. Thank you for being a God who never leaves us nor forsakes us.

We say, let it be in your precious name. Everyone said, amen. God bless.