Untangling Relationships | Untangled | Pastor Derick Amsler

This is our last installment of Untangled When God Straightens out what Life has Knotted up. When God Straightens out what life has knotted up. If you've been a part of our church for any length of time, and maybe you remember several months ago, I did an hour and a half masterclass on our self concept. Who am I? The version that God sees.

When God sees me, what does he see? When I was writing that, I was also writing a master class on what God says about marriage. Now, obviously Valentine's Day is coming up, and if you're single, ready to mingle, just know that today's message is not just gonna be for the married folks. Involves you too. But what I've done is I've reduced that hour and a half masterclass down to 37 minutes and 36 seconds.

And we're gonna talk a lot and we're gonna handle a lot. So just so you know, I know this is to way too much information for one Sunday. I know that. But I'm gonna give you everything I got. And the Holy Spirit's gonna highlight one, maybe even two things for you to work out this week.

One, maybe two things. So if you're married, you're thinking about yourself in the context of marriage. If you have any friends in your life, you're thinking about the context with you and those relationships. If you're a parent, you're thinking about your parental relationship with your kids. If you're single, you're thinking about all your friends.

We're thinking about relationships in our life that are near and dear to our soul. If you're ready, say, let's go. The church does a great job helping people know what verses to memorize. This is a powerful, pithy, punchy verse. Arm yourself with the word of God.

And of course, I would agree wholeheartedly with that. We need to memorize the word of God. The Bible says that it is God's word that we hide in our heart, that we're able to take a stand and we're able to live by convictions. Big fan of memorizing scripture. But if we don't know actually how to apply what we're memorizing, it's nothing more than a Hallmark card in the four frontal pre part of our brain, right?

And so Jesus would often quote a verse from the Old Testament and then he would spend the rest of his sermon or his lecture unpacking one verse. That's where we're going today. James, chapter one, verse 19. It's pithy, it's punchy, it's powerful. You can probably finish it before I even get to the punctuation mark.

But then we're gonna squeeze the juice out of it. Verse 19. Let every person. How many people? How many people?

Let every person. Already you're thinking to yourself right now, who needs this? And they're thinking about you too. All right, so let every person be quick to hear. Don't just hear.

Be quick to hear. Lace up your running shoes and be quick to hear. Slow to speak, slow to anger. Receive with meekness, humility, a teachable spirit, an open mind. Receive with meekness the implanted word.

There's something growing on the inside of you. And then be doers of the word. This isn't a random list of Christian habits that James is trying to get us to memorize. Christ, slow down. Listen to your friends, listen to your spouse, listen to your parents, your children.

This is way more than just Christian feel good habits. This is actually a spiritual framework for spiritual and relational formation. If you want your relationship with God and those in your life to grow deeper and richer and clearer, listen. The goal of Christians having conflict in their relationship. The goal for us is to never argue again.

That's not the goal. The goal because life be lifein' and people be messy. So the goal for us is never to have an argument again. The goal is to be able to have carefrontation in the midst of confrontation so that hurtful words and actions are reduced, healing takes place quicker, and a deepening of formation in the relationship and can blossom. Listen to what he says here.

He starts on the inside with the implanted word. He's saying there is a thought, there is a belief, there is a practice that has germinated in your soul and from the abundance of the heart. Your mouth is going to find a way to speak up what it really thinks. Then he says, quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to be angry. So whatever is taking root in you is going to come out of you.

Write this down if you're taking notes. My inner life becomes my relational posture. Have you ever wondered about somebody? Why are they the way they are? They are the way they are in the context of relationship because they are the way they are with the relationship they have with themself.

Then he looks towards the future. He says, be doers of the word. So whatever is planted in you is practiced between you. It will ultimately become the life you build. Whatever's in you is going to be practiced between you.

And whatever is practiced between you and your relationships will become the life that you build. Just As a reminder, we have met God at the intersection of Scripture, and we're meeting scripture at the intersection of theology and psychology. Theology tells us who God is and who we are. Psychology tells us why we accept or reject those truths. The Bible says that our lives are transformed by the renewing, the changing, the growing, the stretching, the maturity of our mind.

And so. So let's look first at what some leading experts in the relational space, marital, parental, or workplace, school environments, relational experts and researchers have said regarding what aids to substance and depth in the relationship. Matter of fact, Sue Gottman, she's the leading expert on relational intimacy. She would call this love maps. Love maps.

It's not just necessarily marital, it's when you love somebody, how do you deepen that? You need a map. I prefer the term intimacy maps greater than love maps because the word intimacy literally means when you break down the etymology of the word into me to see. In other words, when I feel safe and comfortable enough with you to be vulnerable and open and transparent with you into me to see when I feel like I can tell you what's going on on my inner life and you not hold it against me, belittle me or shame me. That is a realm of intimacy.

And if you marry, that is the goal. How can we construct our marriage and our relationships in such a posture that our spouse feels comfortable to be open and vulnerable and transparent enough to tell me what's happening on the inside of them, knowing that I will not hold it against them. Them into me to see. Oh, if we're talking about it, let's talk about it. Map number one.

Write this down. The map I brought in, the map I brought in. You have brought a map into all of your relationships. When you got married, you didn't just get a marriage certificate. You inherited a story already in motion.

And here's the issue about inheriting a map that's already been in motion before you showed up. And it also comes with experiences and emotional souvenirs. I'm just saying, the person you're with right now, they've been to a bookies or two, they've been to a few Seven Elevens, they picked up a few things along the way. So you think that you're talking to them. You don't even realize you're talking to the map behind them.

We are never in any relationship all by ourselves. That's why sometimes your spouse or your friend, your parent, your child can say something, and it triggers not just the event in the moment. Oh, they triggered a past relationship, and they reopened Up a past wound and they poured salt into something that they were not even responsible for. Accidentally, unintentionally, intentionally, I don't know, but we all are. Reading a man map.

Everybody say map. I learned this at a young age. I'll never forget it. I was in the backseat of my vehicle, of my car. My dad's driving, I'm in elementary, My dad's driving and my mom's giving him directions.

So already, you know, a fight's about to break out. You know, this is not good. To add insult to injury, I'm about to date myself. But y', all, I've been around before gps, just so you know. Matter of fact, I've been around before cell phones.

Does anybody remember the days of MapQuest and you had to go to a printer and you had to print off 14,000 pieces of paper. You had to staple them, you had to fold them. And then you're trying to drive down and you're trying to figure something. You drop one and now you don't know where you go. Now you just throw it up in the air and give it over to the Holy Ghost.

You know what I'm talking about. This was that era in my life. My dad's driving, my mom's trying to give him directions. My mom loosely knows where we're going because she has been to this particular church before. My dad's preaching at this church in eastern Kentucky.

If you've never been there, they don't believe in road signs at all. And he doesn't know where we're going. We're running late. We're a bit lost. My mom's reading the map.

She thinks she knows where she's going. And she says, dave, turn out the Shoneys. Dave, turn out the Shoneys. Dave, the Shoneys. David.

David, turn out the Shoneys. Turn out the Shoneys. My dad just keeps on going straight. And she goes, david, I said, turn at the Shoney's. He says, I know I didn't see a Shoney's.

She said, well, it used to be Shoney's. Now it's a tire shop.

I remember learning at a very young age what the follow up conversation looks like about trust. Can I even trust you with a map and control? Why don't you drive and I'll read the map? But I remember at a young age learning this. You can be married, you can be in a committed relationship, parental and child, you can be committed and have the same intentions, you can be committed to the same destination.

But both of you have a diverse View of a sense of direction. Same desire to reach the same destination, but have a different sense of direction. Here's why this matters. You're reading your map and her map, or his map, or your kid's map, or your parental map. Through your lens, you see Shoney's, they see a tire shop.

And then we wonder why nobody can get on the same page. Your map tells you how to navigate relationships. Your map tells you how to navigate disappointments. Accept compliments. Reject feedback.

Your map tells you what compassion and empathy looks like. I just met a guy the other day. His wife lost her job unexpectedly and she was upset that he wasn't more caring. And I said, well, what did he do? What did he say?

And she said, I could have called that. Yeah, that's probably not the right thing to say in the moment. And your map tells you when to listen. Your map tells you when you need to jump in and fix everything and take control. When you got married, you read a story in motion.

Watch this. The problem is, is not that you have a map, we all got one. The problem is how you interpret your map. Can I be transparent? Open, vulnerable into me to see?

Just for a second. Don't tell anybody. I just like the 8:30 service a little bit better than the other two. Don't tell them that because I'll probably tell them that, the same thing. But our first year of marriage, Jessica and I, oh, it was brutal and it was right.

It was right because I got a map, she's got a map, and I'm seeing a tire shop. She's seeing Shoney's. Our number one reoccurring arguments involved my in laws. Now, just to be honest, they're sitting right over here looking at me. They're over there, like I said.

And here's the problem. Here's the problem. We get married right out of college. We move here to help start the church.

I'll never forget it as a big first marriage blow up, we're out shopping, she buys a bunch of stuff for our little apartment that she once hung on the wall. In my mind, I'll get to it. I'll get to it. Babe, you gotta learn patience. I told you four months ago, I'll hang the pictures.

Just give me a little bit of time. It's not even been a year yet. I'll get to it. We're out and about. Something triggers her mind and she says to herself, self, I haven't got those pictures hung up.

I just want the pictures hung up. She didn't mean anything. About it. She calls her dad. Hey dad, can you come over and hang up these pictures?

What I heard was little baby Derek doesn't know a screwdriver and a hammer. Little baby Derek needs some help. Little baby Derek don't know what he doing. I'll call daddy to fix it because my lack of a man husband can't get. I heard all of that.

I heard all of that. It was crazy. So of course we're in the car and I was like, who are you talking to? My dad. What do you call him for?

Because he's going to come over and hang out the pictures.

Great. Why don't you invite your mom over? Maybe she can cook some non dry chicken for once. And it went from there. It wasn't my finest moment, y'.

All. It wasn't my finest moment. Just being honest with you. Watch this. Her map said, I just want my house finished.

I just want. I just want the stuff I bought for my house up there. I heard something totally different. Map, chapter one. Map chapter one is in the Bible.

Oh yeah. Map. According to psychologists Map, they call this the love map. This is understanding this. Map 1 is doing what James just talked about.

Remember this? All truth is God's truth. Even if a secular environment does not tether a scripture to it, doesn't mean that scripture does not support truth. Because God is the author and the perfecter of all truth. He is the way, the truth, the life.

They may provide helpful language and handles for us, but all truth is God's truth. And the more we lean into his truth, the more that it'll set us free. Here's what we understand. Map 1 tells us how to locate our self. We can't live out James.

Chapter one. Be slow to anger, slow to speech, quick to listen. Be doers of the word, not hearers of the word. Only if we don't understand the map we're coming from. Map one tells us this.

There is an activating emotion on the inside of us. Something got triggered. Something provoked a pit stop in your past and is bringing up. It's resurfacing something. What is the emotion?

Whatever this emotion is on the inside of you. Anger. You feel disrespected, you feel ignored, you feel alone, you feel devalued, you feel demoralized. You feel that activating emotion leads to a belief system. This tells me what I believe about myself, about God, about people, about community, about relationships.

And if this negative emotion affirms a negative or inspires a negative belief system, it leads to the A, B, C, Consequence. Now we are living out a bad belief system from a bad triggered emotion. This is what James is talking about. This is what David talks about when David said, search me into me to see God. Search me and know me.

Know my thoughts, know my anxiety, know my belief system, know my emotions. So that you don't just know about it, but you can be about it and heal it from the inside. Watch this. This is where James is telling us to slow down. Why does he want us to slow down?

So we can have some introspection of what is it that I'm feeling. More importantly, what. What belief system is it causing? Because we are a people who don't live by our feelings, but our faith. Now it looks like this, this triggered something on the inside of me that is causing me to doubt God's goodness in my life or my hope in humanity.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute. I live by faith and not by sight. What does God say about his sovereignty? What does God say about his goodness?

What does God say about his peace? What does God say about my identity? What does God say about my purpose? What does God say about his plan for my life? Not their opinions, not their feelings, not their conversations, not their criticism, not their comments in the Facebook section.

What does God say about me? And once we re anchor ourselves biblically and theologically, now we're able to live out a new practice. Map one helps us locate our self. We see this in scripture all the time. Just for example, Jacob marries Leah.

Jacob comes into the marriage with a map where he had to prove, he had to perform, he had to manipulate, he had to deceive, he had to pretend in order to receive favor and blessings and love from his father. So he goes into the map learning how to manipulate in order to get love and blessing. Leah, always the overlooked older sister for her beautiful younger sister Rachel. She goes into the marriage with her map. I long to be chosen to be loved.

So they both go into this marriage creating pressure and. And pain. One more time. The danger is not that you have a map. The danger is not knowing how to read the map.

You see a tire shop, they see Shoney's. Be slow to anger, slow to speak. The Bible would later on say, give careful attention to your steps. What is happening on the inside of me? Map 2 is the map we get stuck in.

This is where the devil begins to use even good disagreements or a diverse set of opinions in order to create a downward spiral. Map 2 is all about the downward loops we get stuck in that limits relational health, hope, and intimacy. Map, chapter 2. Map 2. The down downward spirals.

Again, just telling on myself because it feels like it's one of those messages, right?

A while back, I was late going somewhere. I'm trying to get out of the house, and I'm looking everywhere for my keys. I can't find my keys. So I asked a normal question. I said, hey, babe, have you seen my keys?

She answers with a abnormal response. She says, well, where did you leave them? Which is the dumbest question or response on the face of the planet. Where did you leave? Again, I'm stressed.

I'm filled with anxiety. I got a lot going on. I'm trying to get out of the house. Whatever she said or the way she said it, it just landed on me wrong. Hey, babe, have you seen my keys?

I don't know. Where did you leave them? As if I'm a child and I didn't think of that first. I left them on the couch. Why didn't I go over there and look?

So then I respond. I respond, well, if I knew that Sherlock Holmes, I wouldn't be asking you, right Again. This is a long time ago, before I had a map figured out, right? And listen, what keeps conversations that start off from a posture of innocence to become degrading and demoralizing? Have you ever been in a fight like that?

Like, you're just talking about the dishes, and before you know it, you're talking about two years ago at Thanksgiving. Like, why didn't you help me? Then it's like, what are we even talking about? Map, map 2, map 2 looks like this. Map 2 is what keeps relationships from healing quickly.

This is why, again, everything's anchored in James here. James is saying, be slow to speak, slow to anger. What gets us in trouble is that we're very quick to speak and very quick to anger. It would look like this, right? There is an activating event.

Something happens, and then my emotions tell me what I am believing about the other person. My belief then turns into my behavior. My behavior now collides with their activating their belief system, their behavior, my behavior. Touch their emotions, resulting in their behavior. Their behavior now touches my emotions and my behavior.

And so it looks like this, we're just downward. Behavior, emotions, behavior, emotions, behavior, emotions. Every head bowed, every eye closed. Who knows what I'm talking about? On the way to church this morning, Foxcroft will get it to you.

What does the devil use to cause this downward trajectory in our relationships that keeps reconciliation at bay longer than it should? Three things. We see this all throughout Scripture. Number one, Assumptions. Assumptions is the story I tell myself when I don't actually know.

This is the story I tell myself. Number two, this is misreading intentions. I interpret behavior as a statement of fact. You said therefore you meant or you did, therefore I know. It's assumptions.

It's misreading someone's intentions, and then it's unresolved hurt. This is past hurt from our past map that we're bringing into what we're trying to build together. Here's the key. You don't stop the cycle by fixing the issue. You stop the cycle by slowing down bad interpretation.

This is why James says, be quick to hear, hear, hear, hear, hear. Be quick to hear, hear, hear, hear. Now, I know that you hear that and you read that verse like I used to read it. I heard what you said. Now you hear me because I got something to say, too.

We think hearing means ear hearing. It actually means connecting. Be quick to connect. How do we then connect biblically so that we can get back to relational harmony? By the way, this is going to work in your marriage.

It's going to work in your parental child relationship. It's even going to work with your best friends right here. There's four ways to actually hear somebody when there's a disagreement. It would look like this, by the way. We have been living by these principles and it has revolutionized our relationship to the point where I don't even care if her dad comes over and hangs stupid pictures.

I don't even care.

Number one, how do you know if you hear somebody you haven't heard them unless you're able to restate back to them their intentions? Because sometimes we don't always have the right language to express what our soul feels. So unless you're able to restate back to them correctly, you've not actually accurately heard them. Number two, we restate what I learned. So what I'm learning is, or what I'm seeing is what you're saying is, okay, so I know that that bothers you now.

I see that. Then you restate what you do agree with. You know what? I am with you on that. I can see why you took it that way.

I can see why it landed that way. I agree with you. Only when we're able to accurately articulate what they intended, what we're learning, and what we do agree with. Then I can say, well, this is where I disagree. Now they interpret what I just said.

See what I'm saying? So now we're using the same paradigm of belief and behavior. But instead of the belief and the behavior driving from a negative state of being, now we're climbing back up.

James, be slow to anger, slow to speak. Give careful considerations to your step. Be doers of the word. Map 3. Map 3 is the map that we draw together.

So identifying an issue of conflict or confrontation in your relationship is only a small segment of the goal. Because anybody with humility or an eye can see well, that's what's wrong. That's the issue. That's what took place. But we don't want to be people just with eyesight or mindsight.

We want to be people of insight. That's why the Bible says there's been something that's been implanted on the inside of you. So we don't want to just identify the issue. We want to build together. You need a bulldozer to identify the issue of what needs to be removed.

But you need a different set of skills in order to build that which God is trying to build on the inside of you and with you and in your relationships. If I said it like I want to, I would say say it like this. If you build it, they will come. If you build it, the grace and the mercy, the forgiveness, the intimacy, it will come. Map 3 is the map we build together.

The map we build together. It takes building blocks to build something together. And brick by brick, moment after moment, God will use the building of these principles to build something in you. The first thing that he tells us that we want to do is we want to know them. Know them.

We don't want to just know about them. We don't want to just know the issues. We don't just want to know the insecurities they face. We want to know them in order to protect them, preserve them, speak a life into them. How does something like this come about?

Here you go. Here's some practical questions. What brought you joy today? What are you celebrating today? What brought you joy today?

What felt heavy today? And you're asking not to coach them. And you're definitely not asking in order to fix them. You're just asking to know them.

Secondly, the Bible would counsel us. We don't want to just know them, but we want to own the part we played in the dismantling of intimacy. And so a while back, I taught a sermon. The inability to accept personal responsibility. And how it's the devil's number one tool that puts a limit over our life.

The inability to accept personal responsibility. This says here, I recognize what I did to aid in the downward spiral over Here I am. Sorry, I wish I could do it over. Next time I will fill in the blank. When we know and we own, then we're able to get to this third part.

Remember, when the Bible says be slow to speak, it doesn't say don't speak. It just says slow to speak so that you'll use the right words. When you do speak, the right words will look like this. No, own. Speak, speak.

If you're not a words guy or if you're not a words gal, let me give you a simple formula that will aid in order to knowing where to start. Here's how you use your words in order to build a relationship. Psychologists actually call it the one sentence pyramid. The one sentence pyramid. And it looks like this.

There is what am I grateful for, what am I affirming, and what am I hoping for? It will look like this. And it's so simple. It's so simple. We've been doing it around our kids and we've noticed a big change in them, just to be honest with you.

The way they interact with one another, the way they respond with respect to us, the way that when we operate with this to them, something comes alive on the inside of them. It's something simple like this. The other day I was here late. I got home late. When I got home, Jessica made a homemade cooked meal.

And while we're eating, I said, wow, Jess, I'm so grateful for this meal, man. I know this took a lot of work and prep and time. See how I'm affirming? I'm grateful. I'm affirming, man.

I just love our family. I love moments where we can have family night like this. I hope that we can keep doing stuff like this. One sentence, gratitude, affirmation, hope. I'm telling you, if you build it, they will come.

We live in a society that has grown accustomed to put downs and tear downs are the normal language of our society. I'm telling you right now, I could go anywhere and just blast somebody and nobody would think anything about it. But to sit with somebody, look at them eye to eye and say, man, I see the man of God that you are, and I see what God's doing in your life. And I know the best is yet to come, man. What you've been through is you've been through the fire, but you don't even smell like smoke.

You've allowed God to do incredible things in your life. See, we're not used to stuff like that, especially as men, right? And so we want to live by our Intentions rather than our actions. But the Bible says be slow to speak so that you can and you will speak. Is it awkward at first?

Only if you make it awkward. Right. Why is it not awkward when we rip people apart and tear people down? Oh, we ought to be people of a different tongue, people of a different language. From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.

So if the spirit of the living God is on the inside of me, it's got to get out of me. What did James say? James says this. The word of God has been implanted in you.

Every time the Bible talks about something that has been planted, it's followed up with a season of harvest. Bad seeds, bad fruit. Good seed, good fruit. They will know that we are Christians by our love. Let me end with this thought.

It's one thing to be self aware. It's another thing to allow God to spiritually form you. Self awareness is good. Spiritual formation actually changes you. It's another thing to identify the breaking points of our marriage.

It's another thing to hope for this, but to be with somebody who doesn't really want to live by this. And I don't know, in preparation for this, here's what I felt in my spirit. Anyway, some of you, the issue is not that you're seeing Shoney's and they're seeing a tire shop. The issue isn't even unforgiveness about your past map or theirs. The issue is that you would feel like your map, your map is just torn.

Like you just saying. Pastor, we're not talking about two different maps. We're talking about there's nothing to salvage anymore.

Trust has been broken and intimacy has been limited. And I don't even recognize who we are and what we've done. And I just want to encourage you.

God doesn't discard torn maps.

He meets you at the place of breaking and tearing. And the Bible says that the same God who began a good work in you, he's faithful. Faithful. The faithful tour guide. The faithful gps God's positioning system.

He's faithful to reunite and redeem. Sometimes redemption looks like reconciliation Biblically. Sometimes redemption looks like boundaries. Sometimes redemption looks like a slow rebuilding. But wherever you are on the map of life, if you give God the triangle of your heart, he can still bring healing while he's working on the other.

Even if this has been damaged, he can still, the Bible says, redeem, renew and restore broken hearts and lives and torn mats.

So my final word in closing, I guess is my mom saw Shoney's. My dad saw A tire shop. You don't have to be on the same page all the time. For a healthy, happy home and relational cord, what you need to to do is have the humility to say, I see Shoney's, I see a tire shop.

And you have to have the spiritual humility to say, God, what do you see?

What do you see? And what he sees you live by. And upon that rock he will build his presence. He will build his church, he will build his hospital, he will build his counseling center. He will redeem and restore maps.

Don't believe me? Try it for the next 30 days. February is often known as the relational month. Try it for the month of February and see what God may do. Put your hand over your heart.

Let me pray for you. Spirit of God.

Lord, when the subject of relationships are brought up, our mind goes a million different directions. The good, the bad, the ugly. So Lord, for the unforgivable, I pray that we would hand it over to you and let you deal with it. But in our heart may we find a place of forgiveness to set our soul free so that you can begin to take your sharpie and begin to redraw a map. Lord, for the hurting, I pray that this will be a season of healing.

For the confused, I pray that this would be a season of clarity.

Lord, for the bewildered. We've tried all this stuff before. I pray that they would try again, but with a new sense of authority from heaven. This is Bible and if God said it, he can do it. And if he can do it, I don't want to miss it.

So, Lord, I pray a prayer of blessing over all relationships, vocation, education and at home and within our own soul. May he who began a good work continue to be faithful and see it on to the day of completion. Lord, we invite you to draw your map on our lives in Jesus name, mighty and hopeful name. And everybody said amen. Amen.

God bless you guys.